Waiting for an adoptable child

 

Your “wait” is very different, isn’t it? For you, the wait is more like a cycle of search and sample, except that you spend the whole time on an emotional roller coaster as well.

 

We are assuming that you are in the process of searching out adoptable children, learning about their background, making a decision about whether or not to meet them and see if there’s a match, meeting children and needing to actually make the decision about whether or not to go forward, trying again if it didn’t work out. It’s stressful to even think about, much less go through. You need a plan and a support system.

 

The plan is to help you pace yourself. Now that you are ready to begin searching, make a reasonable estimate of how much time you can devote to your adoption effort each week. Then, reduce that amount by about 20% because you will undoubtedly experience daily stumbling blocks, “the crisis of the week” and other situations that will make it harder.

 

As you go through the process, use the plan to help you understand how you are treating yourself.

 

Are you feeling guilty because you’re not moving faster even though your plan says that you are devoting the time you knew would be possible? Give yourself a break.

 

Are you moving much less quickly that your plan suggested you would? Hmmm, are you getting a bit depressed and having trouble staying on target? Maybe you should speak with your doctor or social worker. Or, maybe your plan didn’t take into account that you need breathers from the stress of the process and you are taking care of yourself by giving yourself needed breaks.

 

One of the many stressors in your situation is the fact that there are so many factors that you simply can’t control, such as whether a child is totally free for adoption, the abuse or neglect that a child has suffered in the past, the overload in the public welfare system that may delay a phone call or cancel an appointment.

 

The best and probably the only thing you can do is to remind yourself that you cannot control everything, just yourself and your reactions. Let go of those factors you can’t control and keep moving forward at the pace that works in your life.

 

You know, we’ve talked a lot about the difficulties of searching for an adoptable child. Don’t forget to keep your eye on the big payoff. At some point, you will find a child who takes your breath away, a child that you desperately want to make your own. You know you can give that child what he or she needs to grow up safe, loved and supported. You can tell that this child feels the same about you and your family. And it works! The child is adoptable, you want each other and everyone signs off.  It’s probably a bit like childbirth; the pain goes away and the love remains.